Gambling till the end ....

End of January, we went to Atlantic City, sin city of East Coast but less sinful then Las Vegas. It was a nice bright day and as the sun shone, the bare woods standing gaunt got some luster. Mannat drove and I as always lost in the woods and talking some times. That was a one lovely ride because of the weather and also because we went out together after a long time (2 months).

As we parked the car and took a walk by the sea, I saw few people because of cold wind. But to my surprise I saw more of elderly people than the young gangs. As we entered the casino, my first ever entry to a casino, I saw many many slot machines and I saw many many old people.

I saw how the white skin is loosened immensely under the burden of age. In my country, the country of wheatish-tone people I never saw that slack. I just thought may be the age healers available in my country are not available here. This is not about the creams I am writing about. Its about the human touch and the cosy family embraces available in my country.
Ok I do not disagree with the fact that its fading there too but highlighting the fact that atleast its present!

So, we started looking for a roulette table having a space for us. Mannat was finding that but my eyes were finding something else. There was noise and music and my ears were listening to quivering voices and eyes filled with those old and weak hands and my mind just drained all the expected glamour and filled with sadness.

It was the same sad feeling when as a nine year old I went to one of our family friend's daughter's wedding who was immensely beautiful and as I saw her groom who was not at all handsome, I was disappointed and strangely sad. I felt as if some injustice was done. As any other child I believed in match the column - beautiful and handsome; rich and money; good and pretty. Years passed and I found myself looking through the same glasses. A magnificent casino with young and beautiful - column matched. Sadly, I was wrong again.

Then my mind started thinking and thinking - do they need money or they want entertainment, but why with those boring slot machines why not with people around?? I kept struggling with my thoughts until I was awakened with the consecutive defeats. We came out of the casino and I just promised myself that no matter how much busy I am, I will never ever stop being in touch with friends I really love and my relatives.

Everyone has got their share of sorrows and their share of happiness. All of us have to fight it and all of us do see the gambling happen all around us. Some are defeated and some win. Playing on a slot machine all alone is no fun. I love the crowd around the roulette table who clap and pat when a person wins and winner jumps and screams and yet there are people who are jealous but atleast when I gamble till the end there is a human touch!

Good is Very Good!!!

We just came home last night from a very refreshing Niagara Falls Trip! It was so amazing and sceneries were thought provoking and my thoughts as usual just popped up, surfaced me, spilled and re-surfaced, sometimes told and shared and some untold but shared later. Fall colors really do have some impact on the mind that eases and brings so many thoughts and new ideas.

I really loved this colorfully drying deaths of the leaves on trees. A beautiful death of plants in all aspects - the scenery, the effect on the minds who watch the view and an end for a beautiful white start in couple of months.
Trees are so giving. Isn't it?

Their goodness just instills the hearts and minds of so many and the beautiful life these trees give us is unexplainable. The good of plant is doing so very good to me.

Ours was a package tour and so many people are in bus - Indians, Chinese, Spanish and Americans. Older people, younger people, kids and an altogether class of people - "students". Thats everyone favorite slot gifted by God in this long roller coaster ride to everyones destiny. Each time we as passengers were on the other side of the payment counter I saw these girls and some guys with flummoxed expressions diving their hands deep into their pockets and relieved faces as if a fisherman caught some useful fish in the pond after finding some coins. To Mannat and I that was a heart-warming scene. But such a lovely age it is.

Then I recalled so many stories from my childhood and college days and told those to Mannat. How many times I had imagined a bag full of chocolates :). Really .... Infact, I did that after getting job once or twice but then as I conquered my wish it died slowly and this happens with everyone. Its human nature after all longing for more and more and something thats out of reach. But this good feeling is so good and remains so fresh and alive. We were glad those guys were in the bus and made us remember those moments - first time we withdrew salaries from ATM, our first vehicles, first shopping spree and so on. With all this conversation I had the similar feeling to some extent as my eyes had the first sight of the fall colors.

Like the sweet college memories are the sweet sight of these trees - So good but very good as time passes!!

Fundamentals of Boredom ...

Its been 3 weeks since I joined my husband in New York. Five years of job and 1 and half years of job done at a crazy pace I am here relaxing, thinking, making plans, dissolving plans and listening to the plans from India. Everytime I take the call from India from my family or in-laws, the very first question is - "Aur mann lag gaya" ?

I kept asking my self the same question and I kept finding the answer. This was because I never got bored here. Then I thought why people (foreign) don't find peace in this Dream World for Millions, even after recession or may be on-going recession.

Am I too obsessed with America or what? But this was not the case definitely for many many reasons. To find this answer I thought about many people their behavior and their psyches. People like this place for flamboyance, some like for distance, many for money and so many geeks for the R&D work being done on this land.

To see the other side is the lonely life one leads on this foreign land. People clad in best of the brands, coke flowing all over, the tasty delights and independence. In each pair of ears there are so many songs from iTunes but no word of warmth and eyes full of lights but the bleakness inside. I do accept all the pos and cons but I do not accept that - "mera mann nahin lag raha".

I remember my mother saying that we make ourselves busy and we are the one who feel alone in the crowd of millions. How true! I am able to understand it completely now. People who make one thing their obsession even if they have millions of other things to cherish they can not be happy.

Then why am I not bored?

Here, I am happy within and contented because I keep shifting my interests ... :)

When I was in Bangalore I had made my work and my niece my focus and now cooking and relaxing. I think this philosophy works to beat and fail the "Fundamentals of Boredom" that we ourselves write.

Whatever you can do today and you always wanted to, do it today. Whatever others do and gain your attention, try it today.
It helps you shift the window to a different view and a happier one. I am sure!

I hope and pray my theory works for me and all ...

Stabilizer

There are so many modes available in the things that man design. Say for example, a mobile in hand, it has so many modes and features. Man designs and keeps on designing many options for one thing as otherwise people would not opt for the thing designed by him.

The creator of man also made many options, all kind of species and all kind of varieties in human race but no option for one heart. There is only one-to-one relationship that a human being knits with other human being. This one-to-one may work with one and will not work for other. This is how this cob-web is. So, many human beings and so many one-to-one make this. But lovely isn't it. Some confusions are baffling but beautiful inside.

But there is no stabilizer in place that God created like man has created to keep slave always a slave. Man's heart once slave may not always be as there is no stabilizer. Stabilizer to greed, possession, obsession, hatred, affection, affliction and so on. I wish God had made this stabilizer thing or a mode inside human being to judge hearts and the souls.

Everyday in the morning I come across a cross way where there are 5 possible traffic flows and huge traffic to Electronic City has to be managed by Traffic Policemen. Most of the traffic to Electronic City is from the lane through which I have to drive. When Policemen raises his arm to stop the traffic in my lane everyone in sync says Oh Shittt ... Then everyone relaxes and turns Off the vehicles with a tik - tik sound (sound of turning keys). As soon as the opposite side lane gets Green signal and everyone knows that Its our turn now all all the drivers make a dog face. It is funny and I share a loud gaffow within myself that I also look like a dog that waits for a biscuit to get from its master. How much that Traffic Policeman enjoys those faces I can well judge from his face. As soon as his expression just changes with his body language that he is about to throw the biscuit the vehicles front to back like a chain-reaction.

How stabilized and regular this complete scene is. But If I go to the dog faces' minds those are alwsys occupied with the big city dreams, immense thoughts and next idea how to destabilize the life to put a long run stabilizer :) ... I hope it is well understood.

Still Blank ....

Still blank ... but trying to find back where I stopped. Actually, I never stopped thinking and the poet inside never died. Just swings of time took me over and I rode the waves. Thoughts popped up and time consumed them. But inside I was always awake.

1 year and 4 months in Bangalore have been blissful. The air still confuses me and the unity in diversity touches my heart every second. The common notion about the metros is that the people are tensed and unhappy. The notion is not right. Daily from dusk to dawn so many reasons of happiness and lots of anxiety. The adrenaline rush doesn't slow down. The happiness of just crossing the traffic light turning yellow to red, ahh maid has come today!! ... swiped in at 9 so I can leave by 6:30 .... and yes slow connection so less work!!!

60% of the Bangalore population breathe in these feelings and breathe out coding. This is the life of Bangalore and if you breathe in these feelings and breathe out your brain processing on screen you are very much alive otherwise souls are lost in this crowd.

One side of a wall, tall luxury apartments stand gaunt and the hard life on the other side of the wall is a common scenario. Those who lose every bit of them in the code and business are taken to taller side and those who aspire to lose everything, stand waiting at the other side of the wall.



In the rains and in the dusty storm ...
Blanketed with crowd and yet forlorn ...

Life is long and longer it goes ...
Answered though, strange questions it poses ...

Sometimes let you chose loneliness ...
Sometimes makes you forget emptiness ...

Four seasons, dusk and dawn ...
All folded in one life going on and on ...

"Commitment" - heaviest word when seen and loveliest when understood...

I was standing in the kitchen in silence, my hands on my grandmother's shoulders as she was preparing dinner for my grandfather with same patience as I have seen her for years while serving meals. She asked me to clean the plate from the bottom and bowls from the rim as he dislikes all this. Yes, he disliked serving in wet plate and soiled bowl rims but now he doesn't realize all this.

Years passed, seasons changed and even the period of each season has changed. But all these years I am unable to remember any instance when my grandmother cursed anyone's behavior or anybody's dependence on her. She is the same person and she looks as beautiful as always. With age some people loose patience,some people adapt an alarming threshold of patience and some people keep radiating aplomb all through their lives. My grandmother belongs to third kind amongst these three kinds.

My grandfather doesn't even know what he is eating, why he is eating and even who is the person who is taking care of him all the time. But she serves him the same way as ever. Anyone can sense his uneasiness when she is not around for a longer time. I say, this is what my grandmother has earned - "respect and honor" from everyone.

I was sitting and talking to her while my grandfather was having dinner and she was so carefully helping him. In between she was asking me about my friends, my uncles, aunts, their children and I was answering all her questions completely lost. My physical presence was defeated by the thoughts I was engrossed in. So many emotions were struggling inside me and all of them pushed me to a quick journey that I am yet to travel. Many questions were arising in my mind and all were making me feel even smaller. When would I be so patient, so calm, so responsible, so serene and so beautiful? I was loosing my self with a strange feeling. I remembered the times when I become loud when my mother asks me same thing thrice or the time when I feel tired with my aunts' same questions or when my brother becomes over caring or when I am neck deep into work in office. I felt that when would I be so committed to everything I do. Suddenly, the word "commitment" seemed so heavy to me that was enough to pull all the joys and happiness to an unknown darkness. I felt it so hard to be so good.
The thoughts were dense enough to blank my eyes and mind when suddenly my grandmother waved her hands near my face and smiled and asked me with same sweetness, "beta kahan kho gayi? khaana abhi khaayegi ya baad mein?"

Now, we were sitting in front of TV watching some serial and having dinner. I don't know what magical spices mothers put in the food that is always 101 on 100 on the scale of looks and deliciousness. The color of each curry just enough to make hunger wake up of the slumbers. I praised her culinary skills at length and she kept smiling mildly in her own way, draped in her favorite floral print, pastel shade saree. All my cousins call those sarees, if ever seen in the market as Naani's TM.

After finishing the magical meal, we finished all the "end of the day kitchen tasks"
and sat back to talk. After a long pause she told me that she is happy to see me grown up and now working but she doesn't like my working 12 hours and on a holiday too. On this, I did not say anything which is very unlikely. But when she speaks I only listen. She told me that she feels bad how our generation lives a mechanical life and how we earn so much and even then we are not happy with ourselves. I told her that this is need of hour and we cannot help it.

She took a deep sigh and started talking, "We were so young when we got married. We did not have so many things but we were happy." She took a pause and then continued, "I am happy with everything today also". I looked at her blankly and asked her," how do you absorb everything that is going around you"? She looked at me and said, "When you do something for your people you feel happy, when you help them and take care of them you feel happier and when you do even more you feel the best". With this she stood up, switched off the light, turned on the mosquito repellent and left.
I kept looking at the dim light on the ceiling coming from the ventilator. Chowkidaar's bamboo stick was echoing in the colony and my mind was coming back to the sane world outside my mind. I felt the word "commitment" so heavy when I had measured my comforts but loveliest when I realized the happiness that blankets your heart because of the happiness of the people you do care........

Charity begins at home and tethered there forever...

This thought popped up in my mind few months back when I was in France. Indian heritage is richest in the world. Swarm of articles, word of mouth and long articles on shelf prove it. I do agree with this and I am proud too. But lately, I have started feeling as if I am faking. Charity begins at home and is tethered here for ever.

As a child, we are told to respect elders, love younger ones and be friendly with the people of our age. We are taught to be kind, gentle and filled our hearts and minds with the best of words found in dictionary that describe humanity. Everyone applauds when you give a glass of water to the guests, parents give you a coin alongwith the prasad to the poor people sitting out side the temple. I remember how much our neighbors used to praise me and my brother whenever she found us helping mamma in setting up the dinner table. I do not know how much her words affected my brother but my heart used to be like over-filled balloon and I tried not to leave any empty space in offering her water, tea etc. :-P

With all these values, we are brought up and a constant feeling of being in this beautiful world prevails us until we start facing the real world outside home. I remember how difficult it was for me to cross the road to reach my uncle's home in the middle of the busiest market in Kurukshetra. It was eleventh standard I guess when mamma asked me to cross the road and bring some stuff from my Uncle's home while she was waiting in the car. I had almost frustrated her as it took me 10 complete minutes to cross the 5 meters wide road. That road like any other road in Indian town market is full of scooters, hawkers, bikes, cycles etc. There I lost the theory of look towards right and left and then cross the road. After that I started showing my hands and crossed the roads like an angry ox.

Few more events happened during my graduation days that taught me even more practical approaches and gathered the theoretical and ideal stuff, directed to deep slumbers. The time came, when I started boarding roadways buses all alone or with the friends. It was the second time when I got a frustrated stare from my parents. We stood at the bus stop when two buses came and I could not board them because of the crowd around. Both the buses stopped and the view from outside proved that the bus had more capacity than specified by the manufacturers. Like usual Haryana Roadways buses those were over-crowded and equal number of passengers were struggling to get into the bus. But idea of jostling and climbing over people to get inside did not appeal me. The third bus came and I heard from behind, Nimisha board this one now else miss your class. The words gave me the kinetic energy and failed the potential I had built in my mind regarding the respectful queue system, like a crazy monkey I got into the bus.

I finished my college and went out for my first job. Now, my mind started understanding the difference between a fair-weather friend and a friend, blood-relations and the namesake relations and above all whom to love and whom to like. I truly believe that hostel life teaches you who you are more than how others are. But outside world is far different from the protected walls of the educational institutions. I do not say it is bad. But it is tough and good. Good for you and best for the scope of growth you need. This is the time when slowly, you are taught to finish your tasks and then take out the helping hand for others. Society starts teaching you this and it is up to you how much do you afford.

At the age of 25, we start keeping a identity chip that we swipe in when get back home and swipe out while leaving home. All the charities we learn and earn are regulated by this. We become emotional, humble, helpful, loving and lovable at home and so afraid to be so outside our home.

I wonder sometimes where we are heading to. The Indian culture and rich values we learnt over the years, swings and dances inside home and a hot air gulps it outside. In the race of life, as an individual when we start conquering all the necessities of life, it seems we start loosing the fact that we belong to the soil of charities, courtesies, love and respect.

If I rotate the globe and focus on the west, I may find people five time divorced and children living in a strange identity crisis, who their parents are. But in a queue, older people are given priority. On the zebra-crossing, 10 minutes long project need not to be executed and a common belief in humanity is still a part of the culture.

I used to feel bad when Indians stay few years in west start cursing their own land. But a fact lies beneath all the depressions. I will not ever curse my land for these circumstances but because this is the high time when our own over-loaded mother seeks a helping hand. So, destroy the swipe-in-out machine and break the tethered charities. Let it come out, respect humanity and get the same....